something that is gone, will be gone forever
Wednesday, August 23rd, 2006Supposed, after the ‘Proud Twins’ (starring Nicholas Tse and Dicky Cheung)’s TV Series (8TV), I will go to have a slighty short nap. From 8-9pm. And will woke up after 9pm. But today, I’ve been turning left and right. Totally cant sleep at all. Been feeding and playing with my virtual pet in my phone. Hopefully my eyes will get tired. But still i blink blink, wide awake.
Now i know, something that you wanted, will neva come to you. Maybe in future. Maybe not at all.
B4 i got up from my bed, I’ve been thinking about last year 2005. It was such happy year to go. Justin was here. Nicole and me. And we usually open OT. Hopefully to rush all the jobs and it’s better we dont keep those jobs for the next day to do. Cause we know, next day is a new day. And probably will be coming in new jobs as well.
We open and play MSN. S’times i will bump into this nick ‘pika pika love boink boink’. Was so happy to see this nick appear in my MSN. And Nicole or Justin will ‘zing gu’ me. Else Nicole will kena from us oso. We even watch begining and skip till the end of Samara. Justin was so afraid to see it. He sat behind me. Cuddle himself up.
Else, while opening OT or usually working hours, i would get calls from J. Sometimes makes me so happy to recieved his calls. Sometimes dont. Dont in sense of i was busy working. And he would came to my office and pick me up from work. And we go to eat. And send me back to office again. And i will lie to my parents that i’m having OT. It’s the only chances i can get to see him, cause once i got back my hse, my mum will give me some look at her face if i out with J. I dont like it. So i choose to runaway from home.
Things was ok from the begining. But not that good. Justin left me. It’s the most painful things i got for chinese new year. And i have huge argument with J.
Now i blamed myself for not trusting the guy i supposed to love so deep. I regreted it. I’ve learn one thing since the break up. Trusting each other is the solution of everything.
How i wish, this would never end. the happy and hard life we’ve been going thru.
I thaught i forget the past since i mix with another guy who turned out to be my 2nd god bro. But now, i realised that i still miss J. B4 sleeping, i would think about him. And while waking up, i dont know why he will appear in my mind. I try to fix and solve everything. But, finally i know one thing. I should let him free. Maybe this is what he wanted. He didnt angry me or saying bad about me, when i ask him back. But infact, he said that if there is good guys out thr, tell me to go for it. Dont wait for him anymore.
Many friends tell me to go on with my life. Dont stuck in this road. I wanted to. But how? Things haunt me down. No one will know what it feels. Only myself. And i know one thing. I will keep it to myself and not spread to others anymore.
The one that i trust. The one that i tell secret to. The one that i tell everything. Should i say i regreted or should i say is my fault. Thru this friendship, i know it wont worth for an argument. In my life, what ever i xplained or whatever i tell you, is depends on you whether you wanted to listern or you wanted to trust. I neva force people to trust me. But i let them choose. This is what i am.
Bro been saying, you are so wild and naughty and used vulgar and very ‘zhan kai’. He been afraid no one will marry me someday. But i dont scared at all. Dont know why. If saying about married, i’ve already stepped in that world long time ago. But did i? I didnt. Cause i know my time is not there yet. I like being myself, cause i wanted to protect back myself. And telling people to back off.
Now, knowing love can be important in real life. When people face sadness in thier relationship, i will give encouragement. When people wanted to break off with thier relationship, i will try to make everything better. Cause i dont want to see them, end like me.
Till now, i’m sad of one thing. One of my fren, told her boyfriend that, one educated guy, cant even earn much. But and uneducated guy can earn 40+k a year. I just hope to tell her that, money dont go and come here easily. Money dont make people happi forever. Money doesnt mean can bring long lasting relationship. Love and trust can only make you stronger and lasting in relationship. If this is what you are looking for. But in the end, I’m happy for her cause she choose back to be her boyfriend back. Cause i know, the other guy can make her happy but not everything and every moment. Ive tried to help her out. Been angry of what she did also. But in the end, since she choosed what she wanted. I felt happy for her and sad of one thing, cause i hear rumours spreading. I dont know whether that moment i’ve did a right or a wrong thing. Or should i stand aside to see some pictures 1st. So probably i wont get this kind of awful rumours. This may sound selfish, but if u were me. What will you do? Stand aside, eventhough you know the answer? or help them out and in the end you get rumours about yourself. Is so unfair. Help and no help turns the same.
How i wish, i could be myself back. Never worried of anything. Should i go back to aust for relaxation? Nah.. It cost so much. I think i can handle this myself. Hopefully. People may see i’m cheerful but … nvm.
I like making people happy. To see them smile, laugh. And will tell them, she or he wont worth for you. You deserved a better ones. But when i’m in thier place, those words come back to me. It seems rubbish to me. I dont know why.
Now, i wanted to be free once more. Hopefully this time, god will help me out abit. But i know, i should help myself 1st. Could I?
Smoking back recently. But making my head goes headache. So i stopped once again. Tomolo i’m goin to throw away the cig out of my pouch. Wasting money. Huh.
It’s 9pm. Dinner time. Goin to eat.
Lastly, i dont hope to get feedback when everyone read this blog today. You guys already know this blog consider part of my diary. Dont hope to bring a conversation to sadness.
Once is gone, will gone forever. Like a life. Once death, he/she will neva ever come back.
++Life is Death++ , you will know it one day.
