Life is Death

Dear Justin,

It’s already after 49 days. How have u been? Visited ur parents last sun on 26.03.06. I chatted wif ur bro and sis. U know? D baby said.. u sang lil chicken song to him. Baby saw u. He sked. U frighten him. Guess he miss u so much like i do oso.

Ur mum is upstairs sleeping. Ur bro thaught of making back ur computer. Cause me n June burned the CD for him. Got ur fav song and ur pic with effect ya. Let them keep as memory.

Ur bro even said Y u din recieved ur sport shoe. But did u know? U are wearing it? Can u feel it? Ur parents gave to u adi. So dun b upset ok. I’ve bought calsberg for u liaw. I’m still trying to buy mirror and comb as u have asked. BUt they say it’s real d. Dun hv fake ones. What can i do? Do u need gel and shaver? How bout watch? But u dun wear watch. uh,, U enuff clothes? I’m goin to visit u soon. It’s ching ming day now.

U know? My iguana juz passed away. On Thursday 30.03.06. Well, i bought sawi for it. Then, for myself, i bought chow kiew tiew. Then hor.. I tar pau ma. Ate at my room. After that i fall asleep, cuz too tired liaw. Then around 7.45-50pm, i heard noises. I wake up, saw iguana like no tenaga.. But still wan to move. It open it’s mouth. N sud no sound. I wanna continue to sleep back..Well, finally i make up my mind, better bath iguana first.

I boiled hot water. Borrow from nicole. To make air suam, and pour salt oso. Then, i start to take iguana out. Well, still sleeping. Saw it’s eyes. One close tight, one like sudah kaku. i RENDAM it. But it aint moving. I take it out again. Still d same. I rendam it again. try to turn it over 180 degree. But instead, it’s not floating. I know it’s gone liaw. I’ve cried. for 15 min. very sad. damn sad. I don;t know it such a short notice.

I bought tO Pets Safari the oth sat. Salina told me my iguana still can make it. Cuz it’s got fungus and can lead it to death. I wanna cure it. Cuz been wif her for 3 mths liaw. But in the end, it cant survive. The medication i gave is like toxic. So it’s very painful for kissy. uhhh..

I even ask, next stock will b this mth lor. Need call salina. Hope she can intro a better one to me. Btw, have u recieved my iguana? Take good care of her ok. It’s qute tame liaw. Wont bite. Dun worry. It bite me cause i peel it fungus. Upset and angry that time. Still miss kissy.. uhh.. u and kissy juz left me like that. But kissy gd abit. Cuz she wait me back from work..to see me last face.

Ur bro and sis got told me alot about u. U visited ah yew? I dun quite like him liaw. Btw, he can walk lor..But can say cacat (not nice).. Y u neva come in my dream d? U came to ur mum n bro ner. hOW I WISH I CAN find someone who can contact with the death. So i know what u been doin. Im pat eh uh.. heheh..

Ok la..u take care.. Btw, John goin to buy me TV soon. gUESS, u can see me n john from up thr. So i no need write here so much. Pls justin, if u know he’s not the one for me, do tell me oso ok.. Luv u olways.. Cheers!!…If u wan anything, tell me oso. I gip u k.. Btw, i got back my police story. If u wanna watch, can watch with me next week ok.. muah!

continue…

Muahahah.. u know? john bought me tv liaw. My brand - LG. haha.. and den one DVD player oso… But now he no money.. so must puasa.. See la.. Make me angry la.. But whatever, i will still r’ber d…So B, Wen u free?  I open the Police Story again k.. Then u can sit beside me, v watch together.. Den i watch nicholas tse.. yum yum..wah..so hapi..cuz i no need sein liaw..Nytime u free, can watch wif me ok. No need hark hei k..

N i watched the 8 below. Is alasakan Malamute. Very very…PERFECT! I wan dat dogggg…. i want.. but xpensive ner.. uhhh.. n very very nice show oso.. muahahah!!!! Next target, i wan be a dog - Alaskan breed~

Justin, hv u seen everything up thr?? The day on sat? Sorry..U may saw me smoking, angry, sad and whatever emotion is out. Nothing i can defeat. But i’m happi that i can told his mum everything. And it depends on his mum whether she wan to listern to his son or to me. His mum say i’m a gd gurl.. bla bla bla.. gd thgs i mean about me. Uh..it’s all over. Now i juz left loneliness. Dunno what will do and what i will spend in the sat n sun. Tired of my life.

Today, usually i went to have bfast together wif jun. Then th guy who asked my name 3 times, … Well, i was holding the newspaper. And i walk behind Jun. Goin to get inside the car. And dat guy, sud pass me buy n touch my hand. I got a shock. I stunned a few sec. Mayb 5 sec. and continue to walk. I told june about it. Was afriad. Ppl now take advantge of me. I wanna buy a car. So i no need face him. Been eating thr, but i try not to look at him. either see newspaper or watch the tv. Trying my best to keep my eye contact from him. sked me to death! And i’m having ulcer oso. Mayb yit hei. Ltr i’m goin to eat loo..Cuz now at cc ya. Wan reply my frenz mail, den update blog.

oH YA..Then this morning, i’m trying to break the penknief blade. U know? It hurts my hand. 1st time. Blood drop. I keep on wiping the studion floor. N vki tiew gau me. Cause i care about floor, and now my hand. In the end, Vki help me do the cutting. Cuz my hand pain joh.

Vki goin to take me go make contact lens loo.. I thaught if possible, i wan one of the pair to b blue or chocolate. C how 1st. I mean, how the price. Vki wanna make me make over.. hahah..

She even hate when i say myself not pretty. She will say ‘tiew gau lei la’. always tiew tiew me d. kesian nya..N next thursday my fren wed loo.. so happi can meet him at last ya. N i bought s’thing nice to wear joh. Now no money.. uhh..

I miss u alot. Hope u take gd care of urself ok. Know u bz tackle ah moi. Me.. uh.. i dunno when i can drop dead or stand alone again. Give me strength ok. I’m waiting all the bad luck to come. I dunno how many more i still can stand.

My bro say cancer is supposed to b weak, loyal and soft, N he say i’m diff. I’m strong. Well, outer im strong i guess, Inner.. i’m falling down. Real down. Rather keep to myself. Dun wanna let ppl worried about me. Hope Job can get me bz. But those job..ahhhh..come and go oso same d.. if for u, u oredi complain earlier then me. hahha.. Ok la..I go eat loo..eat wantan mee..

Justin.. you know something?? 09.03.06, Thursday, Me n Jun has talked about u. I told June dat last time u tackle me at tuition, but i rejected u. I’m afraid. I told Jun dat time i hv feelings for u from the begining d. But when u respong my love, I back off. I’m hapy v remain frenz after that. U take it easy. U even gave me the bracelet for my bday. Sweet of u. But i make it broken. Even the 2nd time u give me, I broke it again. But I gip ppl make liaw. Now still wearing it. June told me dat, when i went to aussie dat time, and i called up u guyz, ltr hang up,June ask u y u dun wanna tackle me. Cause she can see us happy 2gther. Can have so much fun. Ltr. she said ‘u (justin) say that, last time u got tackle me, but i reject u"… You know? I got tell all this b4 to my close frenz d. Like nicole, alan, and some oth frenz. Mayb they think i’m bullshiting. Mayb some belif, some not. But whatever i say, is the true. So depends on ppl want to believe me or not. I don’t know u will tell June about u n me d. I got surprise oso. Now everything gone. I lost u. *sorry for not beside u* *really sorry*

If time could turn back, thgs might be different abit. But now, whatever we take, we have to face it.

Today, i’m goin to have a break up with John. I etither wait at him to arrive, or juz go after leaving the printed and handwritting papers. I hope he soon realise, i do all that is because i dont want him to repeat the same old mistake again. I given him to many chances. I cant afford to give anymore. I’m weak in love. When i’m ready in relationship, i give my trust and love fully to the guy d. You know me. I wont talk bullshit on love. But i really duno Y all of a sudden u left me alone here when i’m suffering a lot of trouble. June was worried about me. She even invite me to her hse, if i’m alone, cause i onli face 4 walls. She sked i’m doing stupid thgs, like die? But if i die, i die because of justin. It’s like a tragic to me..cuz u r my very very damn close fren.

Yest, someone called me. She told me everything oredi. I was so stunned. I hope u up thr can see what game i’ve been playing about. I oso hope u always beside me, even i cant see nor touch u. After the call, i think so much.Called nicole. Then eventually went to June hse. She’s been waiting for my call all the night long. Thanks alot. Went thr at 10pm. Then, watch 3DVD’s. One is SPL. Cause u got intro me to watch. Later, another is one chinese story. Like SPL oso. But SPL is a gd show. N the last is B-13. U intro oso. Thx for intro movies to me. U know? I bought B13 and Xmen I at wangsa maju thr wif John.I borrowed him so he wont be boring thr.

Now everything is over. Luckily i’m not those human beings like got bf, but no frens d. Even i don’t have a family now, and no relationship, but my frenz is always there and encourage me to do thgs up. Stand back again. Dont be stoopid or looser. Cause it’s not ’sek tat’. But i know, if i went back to my hm, I know my mum will be very happi dat i can see my mistake. But, I wanna stand up alone. Encourage myself to be more independant. Do not fail to do thgs up from wrong to right. I may be very lonely after this break up. But rather then facing all the san fu stuff i’ve been goin thru. If i got the chance to pick up self up, y not?

You know justin? I’ve been weak in work for thsi week actually. Even after the lunch, i totaly stunned, and keep on fighting for the truth regardings deleting emails. But all i got was a blame. I didn’t do anything that time. from2-6pm. June let me cool down. Cause she can see me suffer. Mayb i deserve all that, or mayb not.

Justin, i really truly miss u. I dunno why. I really pray u come to me. Listern to my sadness and happiness. U know? Vin goin to treat us eat at The Ship.. yum yum. Hope u coming too. Waitin u…

Justin, are u still there?? They treat u back? Else you oredi forgotten me?? You know, Im still thinking about u, since ur death. Khong msg me ask what happen to u, I told him everything shortly. Mayb he’s busy, so no reply back. I thaught of visiting ah yew, but till now, i couldnt make it. How i wish it wasnt u on that spot. Now i feel real down.

Been stressing out so many thgs. I don’t know i can take care of everything. I’m tired. Real tired of every fucking thgs. That time was my runaway. Tired. Then Maxi. U know? Jun ban us not to on9 joh. So now i’m at cyber cafe near wangsa permai. Cause today i no work. I take full day off. I dont wanna go back so early. I’m here since 5pm till now..If i go back, i think too much. So i rather spend my money n time to on9. Write blogs. Else, next time no chance to come here. And the third is.. Uh.. relationship. Else what lea? Home, work, relationship. I cant handle that much. Sleep oso san fu. Been hoping every night you come to my dreams n tell me thgs. Tell me which road i should take.

You know? I’ve went to an interview. Very big company d. Nicole intro to me. But i din go..Cuz i know myself i’m not ready for that. I know u may say im stoopid. I dunno, in fact i feel fan. like i face many many many problems. Been listernin to LMF ‘what is love’. Wykie help me to buat pin yin. Good rite?? He even teach me how to sing. But they rap too fast. I cant. If eng, its ok.. But canto woh.. But still i try. Thaught wan ask help from john, but sked he will say im crazy.

Hey! I finally got one bomb. hahah!! It’s my collage fren d. This time i muz attend. I lost 2 chances joh. It’s March. I dunno what to wear. I hv no suitable clothes. Very worried. Thaught of asking wykie help me out.. Cuz she know many thgs ya..N she got attend oso.

Yest i hard to sleep, or mayb i feel very tired, so i slept. Forgot close the iguana cover, So when today i woke up, iguana was at the … on top at the curtain. I see it close it’s eyes. feel like droping down.. So i catch it. N let it to hv sum sun light today mornin.

I cant sleep..Y? John was totally jealous or angry cuz i write deication to u, saying i rather die n meet u. But it’s true. Did he understand my friendster between me n u? He even pantang to attend ur funeral. I felt like ..if like this, they are very selfish. How could they didn’t respect for the death? Wat kind of century is now? Bringing badluck?? Sorry.. i dont think so. Mayb because im too open minded n dun care bout gd or bad luck. N he hide thgs behind my back. Until on sunday i found out. Jolin. Haha!! Funny,. Yeah kinda pretty. Kinda cute. Suit every guy, But i dunno what i hv done wrong to him till he act like dat. Did he r’ber that this mth is the 9th mth? I fuck up. Feel screwed. I’ve prepare for a very damn big war if one day i know he tell lies. I oredi told him from the begining, if he want me to be his gf, he hv to avoid doin 5thgs. But he failed. He fail not only once, but many times. I’m fedup of it. You know? Vin ask me’ eh u hvnt break off with john meh?’

Tell me what to do. I dunno what he send msg to ppl. wat i read was hugzz..hou gam.. n fucking hell sweet stuff. If u dun talk sweet to ppl, ppl wont talk back sweet to u. U know? I feel like fuck jolin. So who ever start from J, i very pantang. I wont even name one of my baby or dog wif having J on it! See la..Icq like dat, now what? I tu gau lan. Show juz start right now. Justin, u juz see..Else u tell me what i should do.

oways think of u